The Top 10 Worst Films So Far

Partial Education Presents

The 10 Worst Films So Far

So, next week it is a year since I began Partial Education (minus the 3 months between me creating the blog and getting off my lazy arse to start writing for it). As such, I wanted to mark the occasion and am going to present my Top 10 Best and Top 10 Worst films, using only the films I've reviewed. I'll probably do this annually, though I may do it bi-annually because it's my blog and I'll do what the hell I want with it. The 10 best films will be next week, so here's the 10 worst. I'd like to make it clear that for all of these I'm running on memory and haven't seen any of them since reviewing them because, quite frankly, I'm not into self harm.

Number 10

You can discuss the worst superhero films of all time with many people and I guarantee that Man Of Steel will rarely make an appearance. I can also say that, more often than not, the go to option is Batman And Robin. That's fair enough. I don't want to start arguing with that, but the one thing I'll say in defence of the Bat-Nipple saga is that at least it tried to have a sense of humour (I emphasis the tried). Man Of Steel is one of the most po-faced and self-important films going. With just about every actor using up a career's worth of overworked gravitas, it's left to (of all people) Kevin Costner to become the film's sole highlight. Then, Zack Snyder decides to go for the manly testosterone (because, let's face it, he didn't show us enough in 300) and we get two men repeatedly throwing each other through walls. Man Of Steel isn't the worst superhero film of all time, but it might well be the most boring.

Number 9

You'll see more of Danny Boyle's work in the Top 10, but this really is a stinker of a film, boasting not one, but two irritating pairings. We have the cloyingly irksome scenario of Ewan McGregor and Cameron Diaz presenting us with Patty Hearst: The Rom-Com, whilst also relishing in the squandered potential of Holly Hunter and Delroy Lindo as guardian angels trying to avoid banishment from Heaven. A Life Less Ordinary never feels like a film that has any reason to be made and though it's not the only disappointing film in Boyle's career, it's the worst by several country light years.

Number 8

This is not the first time you will see a Scary Movie film in this list and if you need me to justify why the series gets multiple inclusions, then I can only feel intense jealousy towards you, as you've obviously never watched them. The reason this isn't the worst is that it does hold one really good joke. It's the first one, so you can thank me later when you watch that and turn it off.

Number 7

It's the film title which writes it's own insults and gave us one of the worst of all time in "you have the humour of a marmot". That's not the sole reason for it's inclusion though. No, instead you can add hammy acting (from everyone who isn't Neil Patrick Harris), condescending morality. Throw in the simple fact that you already know the story and aren't presented with one single reason why you should bother to sit through it again and Beastly is, well, pick a word.

Number 6

Turns out I was wrong in my review when I said this was the best reviewed video game adaptation of all time. That honour goes to Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Think about that for a second. This is a worse film than Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within.

Number 5

And we're back. The only thing putting this higher than Scary Movie 2 is that this doesn't even have one decent joke. So, what puts my number 4 film even higher?

Number 4

That would be Ashley Tisdale.

Number 3

Is Year One technically a worse film that Scary Movie 5? No. But there's a question that should never need asking when you've got some actual comedic talent involved. Committing that worst sin of putting your best jokes in the trailer, Year One feels like a film that has lied to you, drawing you in under false pretences of a good time. That puts it on the same level as internet predators.

Number 2

2013's most disappointing film was not bad just because it was a shadow of what came before it. It was bad because it destroyed everything that made the original Anchorman so much fun. The best jokes from the original get redone bigger and badder (as in bad bad, not good bad) than they previously were and they completely destroy Steve Carrell's previously fantastic Brick in all but his first gag. There was one thing I forgot to mention in my review and I'm not sure why. Burgundy Jr. must be stopped!

Number 1

See that face above this. It's a face you know. It's a face you may enjoy watching in films if you hold some sort of mental impairment. It is a face that you will see shagging a windscreen during the course of Ridley Scott's opus to sleaze, degradation and just generally being shit. Anyone who read my review will not be in the remotest bit surprised to see this film at the top of the list, as it holds the great honour of being my only ZERO out of five so far. That's not just because it's a bad film. It's because it's a genuinely nasty one that should have never been made by a person locked in the sweet embrace of sanity. No one likes being sick, but even worse is the feeling that you're going to be sick and that feeling isn't too unlike sitting through The Counsellor.

The Top 10 films will be revealed next week, on Wednesday.