The Meg

I've seen bigger.

The Partially Educated Review

Whilst I don't have children of my own...

…I do have a nephew. And with that comes an at least partially developed (or even... educated, heh heh) awareness of the realities of being around a child. More viewings of The Boss Baby than any one person should ever be expected to handle within the grasp of sanity. The word “No”. And a constant stream of the latest smash-hit song that has been adapted into a Hollywood blockbuster.

(Though admittedly this shark could not be referred to as a baby)

The Meg sandwiches itself somewhere between Jaws and Sharknado. You're not going to see a shark eat an aeroplane, but you're also not to going to see anything that will make you properly fear going into the sea. Mostly because the shark is preposterously big and also because all are safe when Statham's on the case.

The Stath plays Jonas Taylor, a former rescue diver dubbed mad by all after his claims that a giant sea monster thwarted a past mission. Wouldn't you know it? He wasn't mad. After a group of scientists accidentally free a 70-something foot prehistoric shark (the circumstances are superfluous), Stath is the man for the mission. If you expected more plot than that...

Now I'm going to reveal a little secret. I quite like Jason Statham.

Yes, the man could appear wooden in the forest of Fanghorn, but I've always thought he comes across as a nice guy and (more importantly) when the films don't take him too seriously, he can make me laugh. By rights, The Meg should be one of those films that's played for laughs and the sight of Jason punching things. He's good at that.

That's where the weird problem arises (not the punching, that happens). While situations are very rarely shown to us with any sort of sincerity, there are huge swathes where all we're given is horribly stunted dialogue and it sort of feels like they think that's where the joke lies. Worse, the actual jokes they give us are all recycled with the notable exception of the film's very last and pretty damned funny one. There is a serious lack of worthy humour here, as if they think that stealing the script from Sharktopus is fine as long as they throw more money at the effects.

In fairness though, that higher budget does have one advantage. Director Jon Turteltaub (the National Treasure films) is no stranger to putting together a set piece and these are probably the strongest ones he's done. They're fun and there is some imagination on show at times. Whilst perhaps not quite good enough to make sitting through all the exposition feel entirely worth it, they at least leave you feeling as though you haven't completely wasted your time.

Let's be honest though. You already know your opinion of The Meg whether you've seen it or not. You either see Statham as this generation's Schwarzenegger or you think that The Expendables films work only because if they're all making the same film, they can't make as many. That is the factor that will determine your enjoyment of The Meg. That, or your enjoyment of big f**king sharks!

FIVE out of 10

Skyscraper

The following is a review of Skyscraper. I'd come up with a more imaginative introduction than that, but the film couldn't be bothered, so why should I?

The Partially Educated Review

Turns out it is possible for a film to be generic in an aggressive kind of way; as if to leave you affronted by it's very averageness. I left a recent of Skyscraper feeling as though I'd been beaten about the head with a baseball bat made entirely of mediocrity. Honestly, I may have spent the rest of the day in complete despondency had it not been for the excitement of the Chinese that followed it.

Skyscraper is never a bad film. It's just one that's quite clearly designed to pull punters in for yet more of Dwayne Johnson's action frolics. That in itself would be fine if it weren't for the fact that we're dealing with serious Dwayne; the one that bored us through the likes of Faster and Snitch. Johnson isn't meant to be serious and films always die when he's in that mode. At least with the aforementioned two, the subject matter dictated it. Here though, there really isn't any excuse for the barren wasteland of humour we're presented with when the concept would call for one-liners galore.

The plot is rudimentary. Johnson plays Will Sawyer; a security advisor on the largest skyscraper in existence. When terrorists take over it and set fire to the bajillionth floor, not only is he framed for this, but must also find a way to save his family in the penthouse suite.

Within the first 5 minutes, Johnson survives an explosion of such close proximity that it should by rights have made the walls into a Jackson Pollock made entirely of his innards, but instead he just loses a leg. Honestly, they could have called the character Manfred Manimal McMannfromuncle and they'd have still been underplaying the manliness.

Perhaps that would have yielded some interest to the film; an obvious vulnerability would be something that I can't recall Johnson playing before. Instead, it becomes a source for set-pieces or one of the film's annoyingly few jokes. Outside of that, he's still just The Rock.

Surely it's not just Dwayne though. There must be other things to discuss, but there really isn't. The villains are all generic terrorist types of varying European descent. The cops on the outside all display the sort of investigative intuition that you'd expect from a hedgehog taking an up close peek at a nearby motorway. His family are presented as a nice family that you definitely want to see survive and boast our only other recognisable presence in Neve Campbell (though some would potentially recognise Noah Taylor as well if it weren't for the fact that he doesn't stop gurning).

It's not that Skyscraper is an entirely negative film. Some well-shot sequences may genuinely put the shivers into vertigo sufferers. While I'm not one of those, I do have a slightly weird affliction where I get pins and needles in my left foot when I see someone come perilously close to dropping from a great height. It's safe to say that same foot hurt a little after this film. You don't create that without some competence, but director Rawson Marshall Thurber demonstrates little ability for creating any sort of action surprises. I'd say he should stick to comedy, but honestly, the guy's been coasting off the fact he made Dodgeball for far too long now. Still though, worth a reminder...

In the end, Skyscraper feels like the sort of film that would be created for the textbook How To Write An Action Film. If they came up with something great, they wouldn't use it for the textbook. So why did they commit the entirely ordinary idea to film?

FOUR out of 10

Guiltless Pleasures: Baywatch

Sometimes you just want to be entertained. You don't want Al Gore making you feel like shit for that time you threw an empty bottle of Fanta in with the normal rubbish (though I do feel guilty Al, I'm really, really sorry). Jean-Luc Godard? Terrence Malick? Well, they can f**k right off too.

At times though, that mentality can find you liking films you probably shouldn't. As far as I'm concerned though, guilt can go hang.

The Partially Educated Review

There was a time when adaptations of cheesy TV series were pretty much destined to be rubbish. Charlie's Angels and The Dukes Of Hazzard both yielded films which were less fun than a trip to a festival Portaloo and, while there have been exceptions, the over-arching problem of what worked then not working now was apparently lost on Hollywood. A surprising prospect, I know. Then, this happened...

...and the rulebook was rewritten somewhat. Then ignored. Yes, the Jump Street films were a lot of fun (and arguably Starsky And Hutch got there first), but since then we've had Chips, which was packed the exact same amount of laughs as you would get from inhaling armpit odour. The chances of something like Baywatch being any good are still slim. Guess what?

Is lukewarm too kind to describe the reaction to it? Possibly. Couple that with the fact that my mate who likes crap films likes it (he knows who he is) and things weren't boding well for my opinion of this. Yet there I sat, laughing consistently. Perhaps low expectations helped me with that, thought I. So I watched it again a couple of months later... and laughed even more. Honestly, I couldn't help it. I'm still slightly worried about it.

We're in juvenile territory with the humour here. Case in point: “There's your cot. Don't jack off on my sheets.” And no, that's not one of the lines I laughed at. It knows it's childish though and it isn't pretending to be anything else. This film just wants you to have a good time with it. If you're expecting more than that... I mean, really? It's based on a series that involves this guy.

Whilst we're on that subject, it is the only film where my rule of deducting one point for a Hasselhoff appearance doesn't apply. It's not like they had a choice.

Going into details about Baywatch involves spoiling the jokes which would be rather pointless. It probably goes without saying that a lot of people won't like it half as much as me, so for the sake of balanced criticism, I will say that Zac Efron is bloody awful in it. The guy is meant to be charming, not an arrogant airhead. He only just got away with it in Bad Neighbours. Let's move on from this phase of his career. 

Also, the action is fairly rudimentary with some of the dodgiest looking fire effects this side of the 50s. The film is flat out stolen by Dwayne Johnson though who oozes self-effacing charisma. Who'd have thought that 15 years later The Scorpion King would become one of Hollywood's most viable box office draws?

Oh my God! Vince McMahon was right about something!

SEVEN out of 10

Isle Of Dogs

And so Wes Anderson presents conclusive proof that people who think cats are better than dogs are quite clearly idiots.

The Partially Educated Review

Some perspective (if needed). The recent output of Wes Anderson has left me feeling rather cold. I particularly disliked Moonrise Kingdom and also couldn't entirely get into The Grand Budapest Hotel. I appreciate both of those are opinions in need of justification, but this isn't a review of those films.

I felt the need to establish that; mostly so that this doesn't seem like a review coming from an Anderson fanboy. That I definitely am not. I definitely am a fan of Isle Of Dogs though.

In a not-too-distant future Japan, a flu has spread through all dogs that leads them to be banished to the nearby Trash Island; away from all human population. This causes controversy for a number of reasons, not least of which being that a reported cure for the flu is being ignored by the corrupt, cat loving (so definitely evil) mayor. Said mayor's nephew Atari travels to Trash Island in search of his long, lost dog Spots where he is greeted by several other dogs who undertake to help him on his quest.

There are two things you are guaranteed not to be missing from an Anderson film; vivid imagination and a pretty dry sense of humour. He has, at times, risked becoming a pastiche of himself when you consider the fact that very little changes tonally from film to film. That's pretty much the root of my ambivalence towards some of his other films; making it incredibly difficult to explain why nothing's changed for Isle Of Dogs, but I couldn't stop laughing at it.

The only thing I can possibly nail it down to is the cast (or my love of dogs, but I'm trying to be artistic here damnit!). Much like many of Anderson's films, this is a big name cast with many taking on roles much smaller than they usually would. I guess that speaks volumes towards how much respect Anderson has conjured for himself. The star this time, however, is a newbie to the Anderson fold. Some bloke called Bryan Cranston. I think he did some inconsequential TV stuff.

As Chief, a rather grouchy and wholly begrudging member of our band of heroes, Cranston just about steals the film. His performance is layered with heaps of emotion; which I will refrain from going into lest I spoil some of the character developments. Credit is equally shared with the writers for this; particularly Jason Schwartzman who must have secretly been wanting this role for himself, but takes on another (still good) one instead. If anything, Cranston is so good that he does expose a bit of a flaw in how inconsequential a few of the other characters feel. When you make me fail to notice that Edward Norton's in your film, you've done something wrong.

The beautiful animation echoes that of Anderson's Fantastic Mr Fox adaptation (also brilliant), but still feels untraditional enough to capture the eye. The plot warms the heart, particularly the portrayal of Akira; taking the WALL-E approach to character development (though let's not get ahead of ourselves, WALL-E's still better). With a slightly trimmed running time and the better fleshing out of characters, this would have been one of the best films I've seen in a long while. Instead it falls just short of that mark. But only just.

EIGHT out of 10

Black Panther

Wait. Hang on a minute. You mean, a superhero film with black people in it can be just as good as the ones with white people. Well, bugger me silly!

The Partially Educated Review

I don't think there'll be a more important film released this year than Black Panther if only from a point of view of the impact this should (I don't trust the industry well enough to write “will”) have on blockbuster cinema as a whole. In the end though, the biggest trial facing Black Panther was always going to be the same as any other film. Making sure that it was actually good. 

Box office returns are all well and good, but if you're churning out the next Ghost Rider, then the fan reception is always going to overshadow any financial successes and those reactions can sometimes be brutal enough to derail a franchise. God knows that was the last thing we needed here. Not much need to worry there though, because Black Panther is one of the absolute best Marvel films released to date.

The key thing here is the cast. All of them are outstanding; from Chadwick Boseman to Michael B. Jordan and those who I had no familiarity with such as Danai Gurira and Winston Duke. If those names aren't being used as marquee names over the coming years; Hollywood, you have officially f**ked up! I feel kind of bad for not mentioning the rest of the cast, but cast lists are what iMDB is for. Safe to say, everyone pretty much kills it here and they do that whilst experiencing all the same emotions that white people do.

There's one more name that definitely needs mentioning though. Ryan Coogler. A man who I love and hate in equal measures. I love him because he has become one of the most deservedly respected directors working today. He's done that by knowing that the key to any great film is making sure that you put your performances at the forefront and create around them. I hate him because he's only a year older than me and has already released a film that's set the box office alight. Which kind of outweighs it for me. This one's for you, Coogler!

That aside; the world of Wakanda that he has created feels rife with possibilities. It's inevitably the culture change that makes Black Panther stand high when you realise that the plot isn't straying that far away from the Marvel template. You know the action sequences are going to be spectacularly brilliant, just as much as you know that Stan Lee's going to appear at one point (and let's not be mean to a 95 year old man having a bit of a laugh). With the amount of these films coming out seemingly increasing every year, it's always the ones which give you something different that will rise to the top. The real test now is whether they can keep this going.

EIGHT out of 10

The Greatest Showman

At a point in The Greatest Showman, P.T. Barnum tells a grumpy reviewer that his show could give “joy to the most joyless of critics”. Nice try, mate.

The Partially Educated Review

When it comes to pure Hollywood actors working today, I struggle to think of one with more versatility than Hugh Jackman. Whatever film you put him in, he will always give it his all and usually pulls it off. He blew me away with Logan (a performance so grizzled it made the bear from The Revenant look like Winnie the Pooh) but, some 9 months later, he's back into musical territory with the “true” story of circus mastermind P.T. Barnum. It's a performance filled with so much twinkling teeth he may as well be John Barrowman's bastard offspring, but he remains an asset that The Greatest Showman greatly benefits from. Even if he's just as infected by all the glitz.

There isn't an element of the film that doesn't feel rampantly stage-managed. Even the most destitute of scenes feels like it's populated by perfectly placed bits of dirt. As a stage production, The Greatest Showman would probably succeed to a fantastic degree and make an absolute killing and I think they know that. It's not that it doesn't feel cinematic or suffer from a lack of belonging in cinemas, but at times you do get the impression that its heart and desire lies in a different type of venue.

The positives are there though. It's not just Jackman's performance that wins over. Zendaya, in particular, feels like a talent to watch. Her role in Spider-Man: Homecoming was one I would have happily seen more of and I look forward to seeing how her career develops. Rebecca Ferguson oozes seductive charm and Michelle Williams is always watchable (if a little saddled with the “wife” role). Zac Efron is perhaps a little boring, but he's spent the last few years knowing that simply stepping into the room will cause a certain area of the demographic to instantly swoon and its made him a lot more successful than I am so fair play to him. Most of Barnum's acts also suffer from a lack of true character development, generally there to back-up the songs. Keala Settle's bearded lady role gets a fairer scoop than most, but she's only a couple of jazz hands away from making Chicago seem like The Driller Killer by comparison.

This is, of course, a musical, so it stands to rights that I mention the songs and, come on, you must know what you're letting yourself in for. If your musical pleasures are derived from the likes of Slayer, it's safe to say this probably won't be your scene. If, however, the idea of Steps going on tour gets you excited, then know that you're part of the problem... you'll probably like these songs though. They're well put together and they're catchy as hell. For me though, when 2 hours had passed after I'd seen the film and This Is Me was still going round my head on a constant loop, I couldn't help but start Googling lobotomy clinics.

The Greatest Showman is a film for a very specific audience. That audience will lap this up (looking at Twitter, they aren't hard to find) and people of different tastes may find it fairly interminable. For a first-time director Michael Gracey demonstrates skill behind the camera, but he could probably do with removing one of the glossy strings from his bow in future. As such, any references to the shadier side of Barnum are fleeting at best and if you think they'll touch on his profiteering from blackface minstrelsy or that whole business with animal captivity, you're kidding yourself. There's a dirtier film to be made about the man (one that I'd probably enjoy more), but I'd be lying if I said I disliked this.

SIX out of 10