xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Never did I think that a dumber film than Dude, Where’s My Car? would exist in my lifetime. And then…

The Partially Educated Review

In 50 Words or Less: With about as much grace and beauty as my naked, hairy buttocks (PICTURE THEM!), xXx returns and clings on to a past that has long since died, almost becoming endearing as a result. It nonetheless remains complete tosh.

In Detail: When Revolution Studios decided to release their first film in a decade, I wonder which part of them thought that the world wanted another xXx film. The first one was bloody awful, but successful in dollar terms. The second one was, I think, worse (though that does involve debating the worth of two films that are technically meritless) and boasted box office returns so low that director Lee Tamahori’s next venture was to get arrested while dressed as a woman. True story.

Who am I to judge the decision though? There very well could be a chance that xXx has been bought back with a relevance and vigour of monumental proportions. Right?

xXx 3 (as it shall be known) is a film that desperately wants to be cool, but believes that it exists within a world where the Tony Hawk games are still popular. In the film’s own words, the return of Xander Cage is apparently cooler than the Guns N Roses reunion at Coachella. Reality dictates that it’s more on the level of an Atomic Kitten reunion at a Scunthorpe Bingo Hall.

The plot involves possession of a device that is capable of crashing satellites; one of which was responsible for the death of xXx’s previous mentor Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson definitively defining the term “cashing the cheque”). Now under the guidance of a perennially bored looking Toni Collette, xXx and his team of fellow adrenaline junkies are tasked with bringing the device back into the right hands. In other words, it’s the same plot as 90% of the other action films out there.

This is cinema for the Ritalin-addled, with a loud booming soundtrack, copious amounts of special effects (only some of which are decent) and a crippling fear of leaving a camera angle unchanged for more than half a second. This is a film directed by D.J. Caruso whose past film experience suggests that he really should be able to shoot action by now, but I’ll be buggered if he’s managed it here. Many of the action scenes have that unintelligible style of shooting (see also: the Taken films), where any details of the ongoing fight are entirely indeterminable. Instead, we’re forced to accept that the shaking cameras mean that punches are being thrown or bullets are being fired. Why not, I dunno, let us see who’s punching who?

Now, I originally thought there’s probably not much point talking about the performances here. There’s a reason Vin Diesel’s casting as a chunk of wood in Guardians Of The Galaxy was so inspired and the likes of Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa are there for the sole purpose of impressively kicking the shit out of things. There is one person, however, that really can’t get away with this. Nina Dobrev. I’ve looked and I’ve seen her in precisely nothing else, so, for all I know, she might be fantastic elsewhere. She also may be a very nice person. These things I accept. What I do not accept is any hint of an argument that anyone should be allowed to be this annoying in a film ever again. She’s the geeky joker who's supposed to be the backbone of the film’s humour, but I don’t know that a sidekick character has ever made me feel quite so irked.

The reality is that xXx 3 is technically a god-awful film. I imagine anyone would be hard pressed to argue otherwise. However, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t occasionally amused by the outright brainlessness of it all. I’d be downright kidding myself if I pretended the ridiculous acrobatics of Donnie Yen didn’t make me grin a little bit. Pretending like this is a film worth your time would be to completely insult each and every one of you.

So on that basis, this is a film worth your time.

FOUR out of 10