Never did I think that
a dumber film than Dude, Where’s My Car? would exist in my
lifetime. And then…
In 50
Words or Less: With about as
much grace and beauty as my naked, hairy buttocks (PICTURE THEM!),
xXx
returns and clings on
to a past that has long since died, almost becoming endearing as a
result. It nonetheless remains complete tosh.
In Detail: When
Revolution Studios decided to release their first film in a decade, I
wonder which part of them thought that the world wanted another xXx
film. The first one was bloody awful, but successful in dollar terms.
The second one was, I think, worse (though that does involve debating
the worth of two films that are technically meritless) and boasted
box office returns so low that director Lee Tamahori’s next venture
was to get arrested while dressed as a woman. True story.
Who am I to judge the
decision though? There very well could be a chance that xXx
has been bought back with a relevance and vigour of monumental
proportions. Right?
xXx 3 (as it
shall be known) is a film that desperately wants to be cool, but
believes that it exists within a world where the Tony Hawk games are
still popular. In the film’s own words, the return of Xander Cage
is apparently cooler than the Guns N Roses reunion at Coachella.
Reality dictates that it’s more on the level of an Atomic Kitten
reunion at a Scunthorpe Bingo Hall.
The plot involves
possession of a device that is capable of crashing satellites; one of
which was responsible for the death of xXx’s previous mentor
Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson definitively defining the term “cashing
the cheque”). Now under the guidance of a perennially bored looking
Toni Collette, xXx and his team of fellow adrenaline junkies are
tasked with bringing the device back into the right hands. In other
words, it’s the same plot as 90% of the other action films out
there.
This is cinema for the
Ritalin-addled, with a loud booming soundtrack, copious amounts of
special effects (only some of which are decent) and a crippling fear
of leaving a camera angle unchanged for more than half a second. This
is a film directed by D.J. Caruso whose past film experience suggests
that he really should be able to shoot action by now, but I’ll be
buggered if he’s managed it here. Many of the action scenes have
that unintelligible style of shooting (see also: the Taken
films), where any details of the ongoing fight are entirely
indeterminable. Instead, we’re forced to accept that the shaking
cameras mean that punches are being thrown or bullets are being
fired. Why not, I dunno, let us see who’s punching who?
Now, I originally
thought there’s probably not much point talking about the
performances here. There’s a reason Vin Diesel’s casting as a
chunk of wood in Guardians Of The Galaxy was so inspired and
the likes of Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa are there for the sole purpose
of impressively kicking the shit out of things. There is one person,
however, that really can’t get away with this. Nina Dobrev. I’ve
looked and I’ve seen her in precisely nothing else, so, for all I
know, she might be fantastic elsewhere. She also may be a very nice
person. These things I accept. What I do not accept is any hint of an
argument that anyone should be allowed to be this annoying in a film
ever again. She’s the geeky joker who's supposed to be the backbone
of the film’s humour, but I don’t know that a sidekick character
has ever made me feel quite so irked.
The reality is that xXx
3 is technically a god-awful film. I imagine anyone would be hard
pressed to argue otherwise. However, I’d be lying if I said I
wasn’t occasionally amused by the outright brainlessness of it all.
I’d be downright kidding myself if I pretended the ridiculous
acrobatics of Donnie Yen didn’t make me grin a little bit.
Pretending like this is a film worth your time would be to completely
insult each and every one of you.
So on that basis, this
is a film worth your time.
FOUR out of 10
