Shit Christmas: Jingle All The Way (plus Star Wars)

It's Star Wars week, which is somewhat coincidental as Shit Christmas continues with a film that directly attributes the blame for the existence of Darth Vader to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Shit Christmas

The Partially Educated Review

In 50 Words or Less: Arnie's on a toy hunt. He kills no one. Kind of defies the point of an Arnie film.

In Detail: There are those who will defend Jingle All The Way. There are also those who will defend Charles Manson. Both parties exist in the same realm of correctness.

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays salesman Howard Langston who, on top of missing his son's karate exam, has completely forgotten to buy the "must have toy of the season" Turbo Man. Cue a Christmas Eve of charging round the stores in a desperate bid to find a Turbo Man, all of which sold out a long time ago. All the while, he must contend with a rival father looking for the exact same toy (Sinbad, that's the actor's name, not the character's), a rival neighbour on the hunt for his wife's affections (Phil Hartman) and his own son crying and telling him what a bad father he is. Which would be bad enough, but then you suddenly realise said son is played by Jake "Anakin Skywalker" Lloyd and spend the whole time thinking…

I'm not entirely sure what Jingle All The Way thinks it is. Other than funny, but it's misguided on that one. At times, it's striving to be a comment on the consumerism of Christmas. At other times, it's gunning for the wholesome family "Spirit of Christmas" role. Then, at others, it's an off the rails slapstick farce. Is it possible for a film to be all three? Yes, of course it is, but Jingle All The Way isn't capable of multi-tasking so it flits from one style to the other like a Ritalin addled 2 year-old with no skill in handling any of them. It's rally cry against the commercialist side of it all is undone by it's own mentality that Christmas is all about toys. The family side of it is negated by the fact that no one whose age has reached double figures will be able to stand it. As for the farce, it's painful, providing cheap gags and painfully misjudged cartoonish moments. When Schwarzenegger becomes (admittedly second handedly) involved in a fake bomb threat, there's only one way for your mind to react.

The ending is a foregone conclusion, which doesn't always mean the death knell. In fairness, it would be unwise to expect anything different from a film aimed at children, but if a film is predictable, it needs something to keep you going and this rarely has that. Most of the enjoyment to be had comes from hearing Schwarzenegger's enunciation issues and laughing at just how low this man will sink in the name of a paycheck. Still, occasional enjoyment deserves some reward, so it's only fair to reflect that in a slightly elevated score.

THREE out of 10 (yes, that's elevated)

No, Arnold. No.

There'll be none of that here. Honest. Though to ensure that, I'm keeping it brief.

Shut up.

Up until now, I have stood firm in my resolve. I wouldn't hand out a 5 star review to any Star Wars film. Maybe The Empire Strikes Back if my own enjoyment hadn't been limited by the fact that I knew the ending, but that didn't happen. Now that I've seen The Force Awakens, I can say that I STILL wouldn't give a 5 star (or 9-10 out of 10) review to any Star Wars film. The Force Awakens is good though. At times, it's very good and in comparison to the prequels, it's certainly a huge improvement. It's new stars are almost all excellent, with flaws often down to their characters being underwritten (Oscar Isaac), rather than issues with their performance, though Domnhall Gleeson is only a few steps shy of Eddie Redmayne in Jupiter Ascending. 

Particular praise must go to John Boyega and Daisy Ridley, who show George Lucas the type of unknown (relative in Boyega's case) he should have cast when finding his Anakin Skywalker (either of them). As for the old hands, they're coasting a little bit, but nostalgia allows them to. The plot ticks along nicely and the action is well made, with a particularly exciting final fight. One of it's main moments of impact is telegraphed way ahead though, which kind of flattens it and there's also a resounding feeling that the film has blown one of it's later twists before it's even got there. All in all though, it's a return to form, though again bear in mind that I only class my Star Wars fandom as casual at best.

SEVEN out of 10