Car-Fex-Air-Bee - The Many Faces of Keanu Reeves

Partial Education Presents

Car-Fex-Air Bee - The Many Faces of Keanu Reeves

Featuring Partially Educated Reviews of:

Bram Stoker's Dracula

The Devil's Advocate

Sweet November

The Day The Earth Stood Still

and

47 Ronin

After last week's reviews, a friend of mine christened me "Thumbs Down Boothman". I've been called worse, but something tells me that this week's entry is not going to help in relieving me of that moniker, as I take a look at five films that demonstrate why Keanu Reeves may have a right to the title: Most Boring Screen Presence in Film.

The 1990's weren't particularly kind to Francis Ford Coppola. They began with him exposing his daughter's acting "talents" to the world and also included him making Jack. In between those two films, he made Bram Stoker's Dracula. It's a curious entity really, as it manages to be both incredibly immersive, whilst also being strangely dull. On the plus side, for just over 2 hours, you genuinely feel as though you're in 19th century London, with the beautiful gothic setting of Transylvania infecting the city, as the Dark Lord himself descends upon them. On the flip side, the film feels overburdened with a general aura of pomposity and ill-found over confidence. This isn't helped by some pretty awful acting. Reeves gets most of the stick and, let's face it, it's deserved, with his British accent ranking somewhere around level with Dick Van Dyke's. If you've not seen it, here's a fairly perfect example: 

In all fairness, Winona Ryder's not much better, but her performance itself is at least acceptable. Reeves' performance feels like what happens when you tell a 6-year-old to put some emotion into reading out loud. Gary Oldman's Dracula WAS an excellent one, but it has dated badly (much like the film on the whole) and it now feels more like a precursor to the endless caricatures that would follow it. It's left to Anthony Hopkins then to give a great performance that still stands up today. As the now slightly mad Abraham Van Helsing, Hopkins provides the film with much of it's humour, but refuses to go overboard and embrace the exuberant, and slightly indulgent, melodrama around him. Deadpanning his way though the comedic parts means that not only are they genuinely funny, but they also allow his more serious moments to be effective. The pacing is fairly good, bar some unnecessary deliberation leading up to the grand finale, which also lacks the spectacle that the rest of the film suggests it should have had, with a general feeling of "is that it?" pervading. Bram Stoker's Dracula is solid and, as a result, slightly disappointing. Nevertheless, the film at least ends in greatness, as Annie Lennox's Love Song For A Vampire plays over the end credits; a song so good, it may even convince you that the film that came before it was better than it actually is.

THREE 

BRITISH KEANU FACES 

out of five

Putting on his best suit (not a metaphor), Reeves plays hotshot lawyer Kevin Lomax, whose perfect record in the courtroom has essentially consisted of helping some genuinely nasty people run free. This brings him to the attention of a law firm in New York, headed by Al Pacino's John Milton (bonus points if you catch the reference). Welcomed, embraced and saddled with a case that he sees as a test of just how good he is, Reeves relishes the new challenge, but events and shady characters begin to show that everything may not be A-OK. It takes a while for Reeves to realise this, but it won't take the audience very long because the film is about as subtle as a brick to the go-nads. If you don't get the end twist from Al Pacino's character name, the imagery that's every bit as restrained as the flame adorned end credits will certainly ensure that you do. Also *SPOILER!* it's the film's title! The Reeves problem is that he's just not that interesting. There's two stories going on here: Reeves' case and just what the hell (pun intended) is going on in Pacino's company. The interest level of the former lies in Reeves' hands and he's entirely unable to add even the slightest level of intrigue to it. It doesn't help that the script treats it like an absolute afterthought, practically screaming "Look! There's Al Pacino! I wonder who his character really is!" every chance it can get. Speaking of which, Pacino is scenery chewing all the way. While that would normally annoy me, it doesn't here as he's providing the film with a much-needed dose of fun. His final scenes may feel a little bit like Tony Montana on Ritalin, but at least it's memorable. Finally, the film is TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG! A wholly unnecessary length, with the final half hour being irritatingly bonkers and in desperate need of a huge trimming. The Devil's Advocate has a decent film hiding within it and is by no means a bad film. It's just so bloody exhausting.

THREE 

CHARISMATIC KEANU FACES 

out of five

There's a much-maligned trope that's thankfully dying off in cinema, known as the "magical negro". In brief, it consists of a black character coming along to assist the white characters with the problems that they're having. A particularly notable example is The Legend Of Bagger Vance, in which Will Smith helps Matt Damon play golf better. The filmmakers' belief that this is some sort of black empowerment is usually muted by the fact that the character's sole purpose is to help out those white folk over there and then disappear from whence they came. The only difference between this character and Charlize Theron's character in Sweet November is that she is instead the "magical woman", doing for feminism what Nigel Farage does for restrained modesty. Reeves plays a big-headed, arrogant advertising executive who's, let's not beat around the bush, a bit of a shit, meaning that there may as well be giant flashing arrows reading "REDEMPTION STORY!" above his head at all times. After screwing Theron out of her driving theory test, she begins to stalk him, offering him the chance to spend the entire month of November with her, promising to lead him to a better life if he agrees to do so. The entire thing is riddled with manipulative schmaltz, not helped by the fact that even when Reeves is doing something nice, he still seems like a bit of a bell-end. To Theron's credit, she's a fairly likeable presence, but the romance between the two leads is pretty irksome and many of the grand gestures are rendered laughable by painful dialogue. The only real things of note are a welcome, but all too brief, appearance from Frank Langella and the world's lightest dishwasher. Feeling far too much like a Nicholas Sparks adaptation, the best way to deal with Sweet November is to ignore it and pray for the arrival of December.

TWO 

ROMANTIC KEANU FACES 

out of five

Seven years after Sweet November, Keanu decided to ruin December as well, by giving us a remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. It's another alien invasion film and this time the aliens aren't happy that humans have been destroying the environment, so the humans fight back by destroying things. If the aliens lose, they must at least feel as though they've made their point. The whole film just feels incredibly uninteresting and slightly preachy. There's nothing particularly original here (yes, it's a remake, but still...) and there's a whole load of waiting for something to happen, only for what does happen to be not particularly impressive. Every character feels like they're taken from the archives of pre-requisite sci-fi characters. Reeves is the alien with no emotion and an eternally blank stare and it turns out he can't even play that particularly well. Other revolutionary character types include Jennifer Connelly as the mother with the deceased husband, Jaden Smith as her rebellious stepchild, a load of bland army generals, a slightly gung-ho government agent and the Secretary of Defence regularly getting defensive. Director Scott Derrickson hasn't had the most brilliant of careers, but his horror efforts (Sinister, The Exorcism Of Emily Rose) have at least been slightly scary, if also slightly crap. The Day The Earth Stood Still shouldn't be scary, but it should be exciting and it never is. To call it an outright disaster isn't strictly true (there's some OKish bits at the end), but it is notable in being a perfect presentation for the dictionary definition of dull.

TWO

ALIEN KEANU FACES 

out of five

And so we come to the final film, officially the biggest box office bomb of all time. Does it deserve to be that? No. That's not to say it's good, but in a world that also contains the likes of Battleship, Grown Ups 2 and Michael Bay, 47 Ronin is a much lesser crime. It also feels as though the makers of 47 Ronin tried hard and genuinely wanted to (may have even believed that they had) made a decent film. Visually, the film is nice. The 3D's fairly throwaway, but the beasts look good and the environments are just as nice, albeit blatantly CGI. However, the story feels fairly boring, which it shouldn't as it's a brilliant story. 47 disavowed samurai seek to avenge the death of their leader after he is tricked into assaulting a court official and executed as a result. I'm not going to pretend like it's a rarity for my mind to wander astray, but this was one of the hardest experiences for me to remain interested in what was actually going on. The whole thing remains deadly serious throughout, without the slightest glimmer of hopefulness or good spirits to lighten the mood. It's based a true story, but they've thrown in some blatant fantasy there, so why not a little bit of humour too? The odd good bit does appear, with the rousing score helping to keep some excitement there, even if it's used a little too much and in some rather inappropriate places; a one-on-one fight between Reeves and Hiroyuki Sanada has the sort of music you'd expect from a Lord Of The Rings-style epic battle. As the unmarketed lead character, Sanada is actually very good, with a real feeling of sincerity to his performance that stands to make Reeves seem like he's lost the one dimension he previously had. What really saves 47 Ronin from true awfulness though is actually The Last Airbender. In some ways, 47 Ronin shows the same misguided attempts to hold both epic status and gravitas. However, in being nowhere near as awful as The Last Airbender, it actually helps to make it seem almost acceptable. Keep your expectations low and you may find things that surprise you, but even beginning to recommend this film is a difficulty.

TWO 

HALF-JAPANESE KEANU FACES 

out of five

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this review a few weeks ago and since then my quest for Full Education has led me to a Danny Dyer marathon. Keanu: all is forgiven.

Next Time (3rd July)

Taking that thumb and turning it upwards

The Alternative Fairytales - All The Better To Bore You With

Partial Education Presents

All The Better To Bore You With: The Alternative Fairy Tales

Featuring Partially Educated Reviews of:

Beastly

Red Riding Hood

Snow White And The Huntsman

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

and

Jack The Giant Slayer

It's a craze that someone apparently asked for, but I can assure you it wasn't me. The alternative fairytale has inundated cinemas over the last few years and the results have been relatively 'meh'. Here's five of the reasons why.

Always say something positive. Always say something positive. Always say something positive. Always say something positive. Wait, I've got something. Neil Patrick Harris is OK in it.

Taking the tried-and-tested story of Beauty And The Beast and throwing it in a modern setting shouldn't necessarily guarantee success, but you have to admire the skill that director and writer Daniel Barnz has demonstrated here. I don't think anyone else could have made quite as much of a royal balls-up. Alex Pettyfer takes the Beast role, while Vanessa Hudgens handles the Beauty side of things. The acting is awful, with the young cast seemingly trying to outdo each other in the sincerity department, but instead coming off hokey, with top prize going to Mary-Kate Olsen (yes, that one), as the witch responsible for the Beast's curse. The real reason for why this film is awful though is Barnz's direction and script. Lines feel forced and people converse in a way that you have never heard people ever converse before. You can tell when it thinks it's got a winning line because it makes sure it focusses all the action directly on that line, before everyone pauses and basks in the glory. The fact that Barnz is also directing means that this all comes off like some sort of self-congratulatory masturbation ritual. So convinced is he of his genius that he's failed to notice everyone else is groaning and just how uncomfortable Pettyfer looks in the lead role, presumably because he realises what he's starring in. Special, and final, mention though has to go to the film's idea of insults, managing to come up with some of the most ridiculous and pathetic attempts at sounding adult within a PG-13 / 12A environment you have ever heard. Of particular note: "you have the humour of a marmot". OK, then.

ONE out of five

Aesthetically, Red Riding Hood is near flawless. It's opening credit sequence is so well done that it may make you sit back and think this isn't going to be as bad as you'd expect. As we approach the village of Daggerhorn, the beautiful surroundings also feels dangerous and isolating; menace being amply supplied by Brian Reitzell and Alex Heffes' outstanding score. For the remainder of the film, the visual aspect rarely lets up and the overbearing feeling of imminent doom remains ever-present. Unfortunately, the film is borderline ruined by an incredibly boring plot. Amanda Seyfried plays Red Riding Hood, here named Valerie and mostly wearing blue. Instead of her entering the wolf's territory, the wolf enters hers, as it has taken to offing the residents of Daggerhorn. Oh, and it's also been upgraded to a werewolf. The plot then becomes a whodunnit as Gary Oldman's Wolf-finder General, Father Solomon, comes a-huntin'. The problem with the whodunnit is that the film pretty much gives away who the wolf is very near the beginning and, if you miss the shot that does that, you will have worked it out by the end. In addition, the acting is fairly poor. Even Oldman's phoning it in, but he's nowhere near the worst. Seyfried's OK in the calmer scenes, but when expressing more anguished emotions, she falters and the less-said about the shoe-horning in of "what big teeth you have" the better. Meanwhile, Max Irons, as Valerie's unwanted betrothal, isn't an actor I've seen much of, but on the basis of this and this alone, he may want some tutelage from his Dad. With Catherine Hardwicke as director, it's safe to say that Red Riding Hood is aimed squarely at the Twilight crowd and, as a result, not me. On that basis, if you enjoyed Twilight, you may enjoy this. For me though, despite the pleasing nature to both the eyes and ears, the brain's gone to sleep.

TWO out of five

The biggest problem with these new takes on fairy tales is that a lot of them feel incredibly po-faced, so enamoured by their own visions of grandiosity and style that they forget to find a way to successfully spread these stories over near 2 hour running times. In that sense, Snow White And The Huntsman is the worst of the offenders here. That's not to say it's the worst film here. It isn't, but it is the most snobbish. Rupert Sanders is all about the realisation of his vision, in a very literal sense. Much like Red Riding Hood, it looks undeniably fantastic and Sanders has a real talent for the capturing of mood, no doubt from his days in advertising. When it comes to character though, it's flat. He squanders his best opportunity when Chris Hemsworth's Huntsman arrives in a drunken flurry that suggests he may provide the film with a much-needed injection of humour. This isn't continued though, as The Huntsman reveals himself as even more mopey than the other characters. Acting-wise, there's nothing particularly special, but there are notably awful performances in the villains. I must have missed the part where the Evil Queen in Snow White is constipated, but thankfully Charlize Theron noticed and portrays it incredibly well here, moving between a whispering calm and a herniated scream, presumably during the stomach spasms. End sarcasm. As her equally evil brother, Sam Spruell perfects the art of curling the upper lip and appears to be about to burst a blood vessel at numerous points. Aside from the dwarves (which are still a bit of a misfire), Theron and Spruell provide the film with it's only real dose of amusement; shame it wasn't intentional. Most of all though, Snow White And The Huntsman is just a bit boring and Kristen Stewart doesn't make for a remotely interesting heroine. With zero surprises in the story and nothing that's going to particularly stick with you afterwards, other than the worst excuse for a mirror you've ever seen, it's another film which survives on visuals and pretty much those alone.

TWO out of five

Having stated that I don't like these films when they're po-faced, you'd have thought Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters would have had the best chance of me liking it. It's not just reeling out the same story with a little bit of a twist, but instead presents itself as more of a sequel. Hansel and Gretel have entered an adulthood of witch hunting and slaying and that's really all the plot you should need. Sadly, two problems cripple the film from the get-go. The first is the swearing and the second is the gore. There's a lot of both and precisely none of it is necessary, preventing the age group that would probably have the most interest in watching this from actually being allowed. Writer-director Tommy Wirkola obviously likes his gimmicky concepts, after his Nazi-zombie film Dead Snow, with it's exceptional tagline Ein! Zwei! Die!, but …Witch Hunters doesn't even have cheap laughs such as that. Similar sins to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter are committed, by taking itself quite seriously at times and focussing more on being a riveting action film (which it isn't) than brainless fun (which it should be). Gemma Arterton is flat-out terrible as Gretel, so too is Famke Janssen as chief villain witch. Jeremy Renner, meanwhile, is fairly boring, whilst the attempts at chemistry between him and Pihla Viitala's character (Is she a witch? Isn't she? Of course she bloody is) feels dreary and uninvolving. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is not so bad it's good. It is an entirely inexcusable waste of an hour and a half that's trying to sell itself as a guilty pleasure, but forgot the pleasurable bits.

ONE out of five

Let's go in all guns blazing here. Of all five of these films, this is the worst. I mean, technically, Beastly is the worst, but that gains some enjoyment from just how inept it is. Jack The Giant Slayer is just a sorry effort from a director who should (and does) know better, with an incredibly flat lead performance from Nicholas Hoult. It starts off fairly similar. Jack buys beans. Beanstalk grows. Giants are at the top of it. The story develops though as Jack uncovers an impending war that the giants are about to wage on humans. This then gets further exacerbated when Stanley Tucci's treacherous Lord Roderick finds a way to make himself King of the Giants. First problem: the human characters are pretty much all so dull or pompous that wiping them out seems like a positive. The rich speak in posh accents, while the poor are (what else?) Northerners. Second problem: the effects. The big beanstalk set-piece is set on a rainy night, rendering the most impressive visual sequence pretty much unwatchable. Then there's the giants, who, frankly, look awful. It's CGI at it's absolute worst. Third problem (and this is the main one): the film's outright failure to adhere to one set bad guy. Without giving anything away, the film changes it's mind on a number of occasions with regards to who the main villain is, despite the fact that Stanley Tucci is stood there as the obvious choice. Despite the odd glimmer of humour here and there, Jack The Giant Slayer is a true bust, worthy of nothing other than forgetting. Bryan Singer more than just misfired here, he swan dived.

ONE out of five

Next Time (19th June)

Ted's Not-So-Excellent Adventures